Today I am grateful for:

Decent sleep.

After a certain amount of procrastination and wishy-washy lack of executive function, given that we may get a storm that makes all of it moot, I started getting ready for a visit with family.

I had to do some laundry, so did that.

I located a clothing vessel in the closet upstairs, and got at least some of the packing done.

I washed the dishes, then made some dense salad for my trip, as I don't stop to eat in restaurants (nothing for me to eat in most roadside places).

I had to make more quinoa for supper to replace what I used in the salad.

Going somewhere means trying to catch up on anything I can think of, so that things I would normally do in that time are done.

That means changing the cat litter, adding water to the turtle tank, sweeping, I washed the floor because Roxy was leaking, I picked up a rotten pumpkin from the mud room floor and washed where it had been on the linoleum. I watered some plants.

I added to the pile of things to take home and give away.

Then I did chores outside, and put away a horse blanket that was drying in case it rains tonight, and headed to the barn to see River.

River wasn't covered in mud today! His nose is healing, but those cracks will still take a while. Poor guy. I don't know if the cracks on the edge of his nostrils were from his nose being dry/sunburned that one hot day, or if he cut his nose on something. I keep putting cream on his nose and then sunscreen, and it is helping.

We worked on elements of our three pylon pattern that were giving us trouble. Things like how to keep his walk forward on a circle, getting more forward in general (a constant issue we revisit again and again), keeping him at my shoulder, being clear with the 1,2,3 process.

After the lesson, I rode him for a little while to work with the garrocha, since our lesson hadn't involved him working very hard, it was a lot of discussion and a little trotting.

My Sweetie did come to the barn about when my lesson started, though he ended up chatting with others having their lessons outside, since they had an adorable mini pony (the one I mentioned last week).

Then we chatted with R for quite a while. Mostly about the lack of fitness in her younger students. They often lack the core strength to be effective riders, and for doing the Liberty work on the ground they lack any kind of cardio. In general they are just not strong, or tough in the way you kind of have to be to work with horses and do things like lift a heavy saddle onto the back of a horse, or to work in different kinds of weather.

You don't have to be SUPER fit, but you have to be strong enough to have a steady seat, to be able to use your hands independently from your seat, to be able to sit up and carry your body well without flopping around, and to do so while using your leg for cues (as in, you're using your leg freely, not needing it to grip).

From the sounds of her description, I'm in better shape than many of her kids. I can bend over and pick things up and not need help standing.

So we talked about how maybe she could literally start implementing ten minutes of exercise for her students as part of their lesson, to demonstrate that they really AREN'T fit and to encourage them to work on their fitness levels at home so that they can do more at their lesson.

I also suggested that she have some kind of class in our upcoming summer show that was literally some kind of fitness oriented thing, like a human obstacle course that involved running or sit ups or something, that also might encourage them to work towards fitness goals.

Man, when I think of me as a kid, and well into my 20's, I walked for MILES just because I liked it. I still do, though not like when I was a kid. I would walk a mile out to the far pasture to get my horses in the summer (they didn't stay in the yard, they went out to the bush to graze) and then walk home with them, and THEN go for my ride. Almost every day in the summer.

That doesn't include things like cleaning the barn (though not a frequent chore), working in the garden, or what have you.

I rode horses all year long, though not as much in the winter because of school and short days.

In my 20's I was a janitor, and I also didn't have a car, so I either walked or rode my bike everywhere. I used to ride my bike all afternoon on the weekend in the summer, just because it was so nice outside.

I do feel like I somehow have become more sedentary, as if I don't have TIME to walk like I used to, and I don't know why. I guess I am doing more house stuff? I don't know where the time goes.

I know in part it's because I have been going to the barn four days a week, and that takes a lot of time. Before I was at the riding barn I probably walked more. Working with River is good exercise too, though.

Anyhow, I was a scrawny little ribbon of rawhide as a kid. Tough.

Oh well, that was then.

We came home from the barn, and there are looming clouds, so I wonder when the storm will start.

I cleaned all the horse stuff out of my car, since I will drive my husband's car to Manitoba, because it has a bigger gas tank. There are stretches through Saskatchewan where there are fewer gas stations.

We folded some of the laundry I did earlier, my Sweetie made supper, and he headed to bed late again.

Today I am grateful for:

Decent sleep.

Getting chores and such done, and headed to town.

I made a belated Mother's day card for my husband's Mom last night, even though she was never nice to me. It is his Mom, and I did it for him.

She now has dementia, and I suppose I can be "big" enough to make her a card.

I took it to be mailed today, and got fuel in the little town nearby. Then I headed to town for pottery and groceries.

For whatever reason, I was thinking about our auto registrations. Maybe because I will be making a longer trip soon. My husband said he took care of it, but sometimes I wonder....

The registration in my car was expired, though my husband said it should be paid up. I went to the registration office, who confirmed that it was paid up.

So the mystery is, where is the current registration forms? If I had to guess, they are sitting in a cloth bag in my husband's car maybe, or in a pile of mail that he just dumped in the house without opening or telling me about.

I paid to have a new one printed so that I would be up to date. This likely means that the registration in the other vehicles is also out of date, and the forms nowhere to be found.

I will need to try to update the one in his car, since that's the one I will be driving to Manitoba.

Sigh.

The registrar then informed me that a parking ticket we got some time ago in the winter, was "insufficiently paid". I have no idea at all how that could be possible. Either it got paid, or not paid?

I do remember that we got the ticket, that it was a simple, $25 thing that my husband said he would just pay online, and he struggled to figure out if it was done correctly or not, and apparently he never bothered to follow up and find out.

So, the amount I paid today was $75, and imagine if we had never bothered to check.

I feel like I spend a lot of time finding little "bonus problems" that my husband was supposed to take care of.

Then I went to pottery, and it was nice to just trim a vase I threw last week. It's looking good.

No, it's not your imagination; I've been mostly making vases lately. I am entranced by the challenge of making interesting forms.

A woman from the next class came in early, and told me about her Mom's back problems, which in some ways mirror my Sister S. Crumbling bones, back surgery, long recovery time. What was weird is she says the Canadian system wasn't going to do surgery (maybe because of the advanced osteoporosis?), so her Mom went to Tijuana, Mexico for complex back surgery. Wasn't expecting that.

Then I went to Mark's Work Wearhouse to look for sturdy shoes for the yard, and I hated to spend money on shoes for that. BUT, I've tried buying cheap shoes from Wal-mart or something, and they fall apart in a month.

Sigh.

Then I went to Winner's, and found a few things. Some sleeveless tank type shirts, but a little "nice". This is the first summer in ten years or more that I might actually wear such a shirt, now that I have removed the lipoma.

I still have a scar, but that doesn't bother me. There's still some loose skin that isn't perfect, but people probably won't notice.

I know I have some other sleeveless shirts, but I gave away most of my casual tank top type shirts.

Then I got groceries, though I was already feeling like I was running on empty. I've noticed that this is generally how I feel now, by the time I get to the grocery store.

I got groceries, and as I have for about the last year, I felt like a deer in headlights looking at the prices.

I am very grateful to be able to buy groceries, to have the physical ability, the car, and so on.

Then I went home, and my Sweetie already ate, so I made some supper after we put the food away.

He was late getting to bed. Sigh.

Lately though, I've been feeling pretty discouraged about the state of things on a larger scale.

All of this stuff in the U.S......!

I feel like the Alberta government is not doing anything for us at all either, and every day I have news articles about more things being cut, taken away from us, due process ignored to build these stupid AI data centers that NO ONE WANTS, the threat of separation, the extreme cost of fuel (in a very short time, it's costing about $20 more to fill my little car), the ever rising costs of EVERYTHING.

What power do we have at all over any of these things? I can grow some food, but not everything.

I need shoes. I need a car (no bus service to our rural property)...it's nuts!

It doesn't seem to matter about public opinion, voting feels like a joke. We recently had a petition for Alberta to remain part of Canada, and it got enough signatures, and that was it. Never to be seen or heard from again.

Instead, a petition to LEAVE Canada started, and somehow THAT is the one they want to bring to a referendum.

Every damn day I think about everything just crumbling around us. The data centers bother me as much as the separatists and U.S. politics, because of their environmental impact, and WHO THE HELL WANTS ALL OF THIS AI?

It's being forced on us. No one that I know wants it. No one.

It all makes me so tired.

Today I am grateful for:

Decent sleep.

Deciding to tackle the second coat of paint in the basement after eating and feeding indoor critters.

I think it looks pretty good. It is a semi gloss paint, which shows more of the roller marks and so on, but it looks well covered and even.

I got everything cleaned up and then did chores about when I needed to get going to the barn.

A woman dropped off our census form, which seemed odd that they have to do this in person. I was dressed in painting rags, so of course that's when someone sees me.

River was pretty crusty looking from laying in mud again, and his breathing wasn't great.

I brushed him and then misted him to help him cool down, which seems to help.

He wasn't super energetic (again, this will be all summer) but he did okay with our work.

I did see R and L, the young woman with health challenges didn't come today.

I went home and worked on Dandy's mane again. He needed to get used to the spray bottle of conditioner again, since I haven't used one around him since last summer. He really is worried about them.

My husband got home around then, and came to visit with me while I groomed Dandy.

It took awhile, but I did get his mane sorted, and did some other brushing with him and Ursula. They take a long time to shed out, and they look pretty shaggy still.

We went inside, ate, and watched "Crazy Stupid Love", which was pretty good but had a dumb ending.

Today I am grateful for:

Decent sleep.

Getting some small but nagging things done. I repaired a cuff on a fleece jacket that I wear every cooler day to do chores and go to the barn as well as the trim on a fleece blanket that was separating. I also repaired a seam in a denim grocery bag that had come apart.

Then I had a quick bath.

Last week when I talked with Sister E, she was upset about her husband whose behavior was getting out of hand and starting to feel very unfair to her, mostly about his lack of awareness of things like what they owed for taxes or how much money he was spending.

At that time, we had started to explore some possible solutions, then ran out of time.

So we were supposed to circle back and connect again. Today I called her, and she said she was at the grocery store but would call me.

She did call back, and we were talking, but about just this and that, and I heard background noise, and it turns out she was just back at the grocery store.

I was kind of annoyed. I don't know if she ever just focuses on our conversation; she's usually trying to do errands or believe it or not, she's at Bingo or something and takes my call and tries to talk. Sort of.

She's very strange.

Anyhow, she felt FINE this week, and didn't feel like talking about her husband and how to improve anything. Okay, that's up to her.

She did feel the need though, to pass on a message to me from TW, even as she spoke the words "I know you don't want me doing this...".

Apparently TW gave me a horse book at some point and now wants it back. She GAVE me a horse book, but now that I'm not speaking with her, she wants it back.

She wants me to bring it to our upcoming family gathering.

So, all this really is, is her finding excuses to send messages to me, and whether or not I get the book to her, she's won by finding a way to cross my boundary.

So, I chewed Sister E out a bit for doing that. I have already explained to her A LOT that I don't want to have contact with TW, and Sister E just thinks I mean I don't want to have phone calls with her, but "this isn't about her depression, and I don't have the same problems you have with her, maybe this is just your perception of her".

So, even though I tried to point out that this thing with some stupid book is a form of crossing a set boundary and a form of manipulation, Sister E doesn't see that. She thinks "TW just needs to get ahold of you, maybe you should text her and find out what she wants".

Maybe she's just not that smart.

I am upset though, that Sister E isn't getting it, and she's just not understanding what I even mean by "no contact", and now I'm wondering if I will have to just stop talking to her as well.

Isn't this fantastic?

Now I am really wondering how to deal with our family gathering. I know TW will be there, and not long ago I wasn't really worrying about talking to her, just let it all slide for the sake of seeing other family.

Now I'm not so sure. If I bring her this book, she will just start asking for other things, say...something she thought Mom wanted her to have, or copies of family pictures, or whatever. Just like how when people break up, they keep finding excuses to talk to their ex, hoping that they can fix things.

You know..."I left some clothes at your place", or "I needed to get Sarah's phone number from you", or "I miss your cat".

I know that TW's partner of several years was trying to get her out of his life about a year before he was diagnosed with cancer. She had a MOUNTAIN of stuff at their house, and she of course would never be done going back for her crap.

She never left him alone, and that whole crap of "reconciliation" when he was dying was likely him just being too tired to fight her off. She makes it sound like love just overcame everything, but I think he was just tired and was like "fuck it, I'll at least die my way out of this bullshit".

So there you go. My afternoon.

Then I went to the barn, and River and I had our lesson.

River was pretty muddy, but he seems to like mud.

We had a good lesson, though his energy wasn't great. He really tried for me, and if you don't ask for a ton of work, he does what he can.

We worked on a pattern that will be in the live summer show this year, and tossed around some ideas for a "fun barrel pattern".

Then we did another run through of the freestyle from beginning to end, and it was so much smoother and just very good with the turns towards and away from the garrocha, and coming together with the dramatic points in the music.

I was very happy with it.

On a sad note, R's little orange kitty, who was only about 8 months old, had to be put down this morning.

This is the little cat that seemed to have one infection after another, and yesterday wasn't eating much.

Turns out little Darnell was in liver failure, and the vet said there was nothing that could be done.

He was a little frail right from the beginning when they got the two kittens, and just never seemed to thrive.

Poor little guy.

R said it had been a tough day for her family, and of course they still had to do chores and dog grooming and lessons, and all day people were asking, so she had to go through it again and again. And again with me, I guess.

I did get to see a very adorable little mini mare that belongs to another client family who trailered in their horses for lessons today.

Then I went home, and my Sweetie had supper ready.

We ate and talked. My Sweetie says that a friend of ours, the man he biked the MS ride with for several years, has some kind of ongoing persistent cough that they are starting to look into a little more seriously, and that his Dad finally passed his kidney stone.

Quite a day.

Today I am grateful for:

Decent sleep, and not oversleeping.

Still feeling a weird anxiety today, with no real reason behind it. Trying to just accept that sometimes I feel like that, and not search for an answer in the form of "there must be something wrong" or "I must not feel this way".

I did usual chores and such, and it's just starting to green up now.

I texted D, and today she is headed into the city with her friend for surgery on one eye. Her friend will be helping her for a few days, and she said she would keep in touch with me if she needed anything.

I headed into town, and got to the pottery studio with some time to throw a nice vase. Yes, I'm obsessed with the form of vases, and they're in every corner of the house now. I do give them away too, which I will need to do here soon again. I almost hate to do so, because they're lovely these days.

I did chat with another potter for a while before she left.

Then I went to Winner's and found an inexpensive "flapper" style dress, which I truly hope I get to wear. I think I could also wear it with the right shirt over the top to make it look like a skirt.

Then I went to get groceries, and bought my usual spice shaker mix, only to get home to see I bought one last week too. Sigh.

Otherwise good, and I am grateful to be able to buy groceries. I hit an energy low while shopping and had to sort of drag myself through it, but I made it.

I was very happy to come home and my Sweetie had supper ready, and he helped put everything away.

We ate and chatted for a while before he had to go to bed.

Today I am grateful for:

Okay sleep.

Not having too much pressing things to do.

I did call my Sister E, who proceeded to vent about her issues for forty minutes and gave no space for me to talk.

She is pretty unhappy these days, with her husband's increasingly surly behavior. I know they are seeing a counselor, which is good, but I think there's something else she needs to consider.

He is an ill man. He has diabetes, which saps his energy and likely makes him have some pretty good mood swings. I know it wouldn't be easy to just forgive him for being hard to live with, but he's not doing well.

Her specific issue today was him blowing up over their taxes; specifically that he was angry about how much they had to pay, and who knows, maybe feeling like he doesn't know if they have enough money?

My sister says he pays no attention to the bank balance, spends what he wants without caring, and has no idea how much they make, what their cost of living is, or anything.

She says she tries to tell him, but then he still seems upset when he sees what something costs (like their taxes).

She says she pretty much HAS to be the one now to do all of their financial things because he claims incompetence with computers or whatever (he still spends lots of time online), and she says she has done most of the responsible things in their partnership for a long time.

So, my thought, is to go ahead and do everything, because it has to be done by someone. He's either unwilling or unable (and not talking about it to her) to take care of these things.

I said she needs to go to the bank and set up things to make them as easy as possible. To automatically have money taken from each of their pension checks and put into an account for paying bills, and have the bills automatically paid from that account.

She needs to then maybe consider an actual book keeper, or just get bank statements, that show all of their expenses vs. their income, and any time he starts to fuss about money, just show him the numbers to take all of the feelings of confusion and emotion out of their disagreements.

I would consider giving each of them an "allowance" that they had to stick to, for anything not included in necessary bills and payments, as well as an emergency fund account that they pay into each month.

That way, if he wants to spend his money frivolously, he can go right ahead, until he spends his allowance, and she doesn't need to feel like she has to control his spending.

He probably won't agree to any of this, but I think she can do it without his permission.

I also think it's time she gave some serious thought to the fact that he really isn't doing well, may be having some early dementia, and she's going to have to look at her options for caring for him soon, and for taking over everything financially.

He won't see a doctor about the dementia, but she could talk to his doctor and the doctor could try to convince him to take it.

Anyhow, we didn't really get to all of this, and I think we need to have a long, serious talk.

We've actually had these conversations before, and she didn't do anything then. So I imagine she won't do anything now, and we'll have these conversations some more, until the shit really hits the fan and there's a crisis.

So there you go. Nice to type it all out for myself.

I went to the barn to see River, who was surprisingly clean today. He was a bit pokey and not very willing for some of our work, but at the end seemed a bit sharper.

He's getting old too, and I have to remind myself that he isn't as perky as most horses anyhow.

The woman with health issues came, and L came to work with a horse too, so it was fairly social.

It's interesting that literally overnight, L has taken on a lot of work with her Mom (R), and it all ties in with R's work. L is living at home, and is stepping into R's shoes doing dog grooming, dog obedience classes, and so on to earn money. It's a little weird, in that L could just become her Mom without ever really becoming herself if she's not careful.

L is going away for college in January, and I think that will be an interesting time.

Another glorious warm day, and things are drying up now, in such a short time.

I came home and my Sweetie came home shortly after from the climbing gym. I cooked, and we watched "The Bikeriders", which was interesting enough. It's based on a documentary about the subculture of bikers in the early years.

It's strange to think of the "first bikers".